I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
