He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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