When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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