I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
