Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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