I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
