Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
