I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
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