Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Floor bacon is actually really good
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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