I just pynch a tree in the face
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize