the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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