It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
