I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
