I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
