its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
