how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
