Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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