I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
