I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
