Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
