I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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