I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
