I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
