I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
