the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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