His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Your cock deserves a montage
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
