i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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