Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
