You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
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When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
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I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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