You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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