She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
