I am in a vortex of obligation.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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