I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
