Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
