I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
