We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
