I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
