If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
In other news, I just burned my penis
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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