I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
