So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
