Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Randomize
