Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
