I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
