he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Randomize
