Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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