You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
