Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
