Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Randomize
