I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
