oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
