Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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