come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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