Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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