Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
