I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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