Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize