apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
