We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Randomize
