2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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