my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize