shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
