His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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