I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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